My new phone

I bought a new phone (pictured), a Motorola Milestone. It's really neat, though the battery lasts about two days with my habits. But this was predictable, and I'm ok with that; there was no way I was going to find a phone with these features and still get a long uptime!

The phone is quite similar to Nokia N900. It's a bit slimmer, a bit better designed and the battery lasts a bit longer. Otherwise they are quite similar. The phone runs Google's Android 2.0 (a Linux-derivative), which has an impressive number of free software up for installation. Such as the program I'm writing this on, Blogaway. Indeed, I've heard the operating system is to be used on netbooks as well, though I'm unsure how well it scales. Wouldn't people be happier with a true Linux-distro, like Ubuntu? Or just go with WinXP? But I digress.

The main point is, that after two weeks of use, I'm extremly happy. No regrets.

(The picture is lifted from The Independent, a quality newspaper if there ever was one. Used without permission. Please don't sue.)

Replacing Ipod Touch

Few weeks ago I was careless and put my Ipod Touch (Gen 1) into the washing machine. It's now really clean. Also - really dead.

My Ipod Touch - sleeping with the fishes.

Well, things could be worse. My insurance paid most of the money back (they were surprisingly generous), so I'm not weeping myself to death. This does leave me with a problem - how should I replace the machine? Please understand; Touch wasn't just mp3-player for me (as such, it might even have been inferior to the Gen 5 Ipod Video I had ordered in 2006). However, the machine had several redeeming qualities. First and foremost, a big screen that was suitable browsing the Internet with WLAN, watching Youtube and pre-downloaded video-files while on a train. It was also shockingly thin, and as such, I loved it.

I however didn't have much love for the way Apple ran the game behind the curtains. Mainly, that I couldn't install programs freely, but had to use the App Store. Sure, you could jailbreak it (and I frequently did ), but the hazzle to keep the thing both up-to-date AND usable was getting on my nerves.

But, that's all water under the bridge. My point, however, is that I'm not running to buy a new Touch (Gen 2), no matter how much I loved the previous version. This brings me back to the stated question; how to replace it? I could get a mp3-player fairly cheap, but the thing I find I'm mostly missing about is the ability to look up facts on the go (and amuse myself with videos, ebooks etc.).

My phone is also getting up there with the years, and I was thinking that maybe I would do a coup and buy a new machine that takes care of both of the problems at one go. The thing is, I dream of a device with;

• a long battery life
• thin (easy to pocket)
  
• big screen for internet browsing and video
• mp3-player
• hazzle-free
• easy to use
• maybe QWERTY
  
• compatibility with Mac and Linux
  

You don't really have to be a technology-adept to see that the thing I'm descripting is actually two phones. Of course, there's available multiSIM-service from several operators, but let's save this option for later, and not only because it would cost me about 4 euros more per month.

About some of the phones I've been considering;

The pinnacle of human civilization.

The Iphone. Yes, I'm a hypocrite. But as it is the standard for the moment, I suppose I have to consider this before I can objectively look at the rest of the alternatives. Otherwise, the whole post would be just a knee-jerk reaction of "I don't want to be like everybody else! And in any case, this phone doesn't do [something I will never use]!"

So, I hear the battery life is getting better. There's a new model coming in few months, and it might actually be something to see; however, I feel that as a phone, it has been really standing still ever since it came out in 2007. Sure, back then it had a big headstart to every other phone out there, but the competition has been gaining, and Apple has been essentially standing still. After everything is said and done, however, it's a solid phone. It synchs with a Mac and should be "hazzle-free".

And it has all the same problems that the Touch had; I'm not sure how comfortable I would be with this alternative. And that's to forget the two year contract I would have to sign (this being the only contract-only phone in Finland).

+I know how this works.
+Compatibility with Macs (if not Linux)
-The two year contract
-No QWERTY
-I would feel like I'd be buying a three-year old phone
-The amount of features isn't really dazzling.

Three options for easier colour-coordination.

The N97 Mini. It has the QWERTY-keyboard and I love how it slightly pops up when in use. And the phone comes with a year's contract of "Comes With Music". It's being marketed as "Buy a Nokia Comes With Music handset and get millions of tracks for free, yours to keep". The thing is, the tracks are in WMA and tied to only one Windows-computer. And I don't own a Windows-operated computer. And of course; keep till I switch the computer or the authorization server goes offline.

Plus this is Symbian-operated phone. Symbian is solid enough, I suppose, but if Iphone is 2007, this is 1995. And I've never really liked it, though I understand it has been getting better lately. So this is a bit knee-jerk reaction, I suppose. I also hear that the processor isn't quite up there.

+QWERTY
+the music
-symbian
-the processor
-compatibility

The thing is more powerful than some home computers.

Nokia N900. Well, this is hard to look at objectively. It's the heir to the Nokia's Internet Tablet-line, and as such isn't really a phone-that-can-get-to-internet as it is an Internet-Tablet-that-allows-you-to-phone. Nokia has also been very frank that this isn't for the average user; that it doesn't quite get there as a phone. It has about every technology they could try to fit into a handheld device, such as an infrared-port (last seen in a phone around 2004). In short; it's a high-tech Swiss army knife. One of the more expensive ones, with fifty functions. And that's why it's 6 mm thicker than Iphone and 50 grams heavier (181 g as opposed to 133). But you can do almost anything with it.

And it runs Maemo 5 Linux. So, compatibility should be excellent.

All this is to say, of course, that the battery life is threatful. One reviewer wrote that with nightly charging, you can make it through a day (all that pretty tech consumes a lot of energy). Not to mention, that Internet Tablets aren't actually meant to be on 24/7, unlike phones.

+has everything and the kitchen-sink
+compatibility!
+Maemo is future
-battery
-thickness

Even as a clamp, the phone is thinner than some of my pens.

Nokia 6600 Fold. Well, the screen is about fourth of the size N900 has, there's no QWERTY and the compatibility is reduced to moving the microSD card to computer and back. But it's small, the operating system (S40) works well and battery should last well over a week. And it has an mp3-player (and FM-tuner). Design-wise it's the best of the lot. Can connect to 'Net, but the experience should be rather modest.

On a plus, this one is so cheap, that I can afford to buy a netbook to go with it. Or buy a new Touch.

+battery
+size
+solid operating system
-Internet-experience nothing to write home about.


Well, let us see how the wind blows. The engineers promised a new and improved version of N900 even before the original model was out (showing once again how Nokia is ran) and Iphone should be updated before Summer is here. And even if updates are coming, should I lock my answer now and then faithfully expect for the new generation to fix the problems of the current one?

My trip in Sweden

Two weeks ago I left for a biking trip. I took the ferry for Stockholm and two weeks later I was in Rostock looking a way home. Attached is the route as mapped by my GPS and the markings I did to my notebook. The text will go from present to imperfect, hopefully it's easy enough to follow.

15.7.2009 - Wednesday
Backed the last of my stuff, took the train to the harbour, bought a ticket and left for Sweden. Planning to bike to Helsingborg, take a ferry to Denmark's main island, cross it and from there take a ferry to Rostock.

16.7.2009 - Thursday
distance covered 122,5 km/ av. speed 15,4 km / in 7:55 hours

Got out of the ferry around ten, biked to the motorway to Helsingborg. Found out that the road is - despite publicity - not good for biking. Have to backtrack and start using older roads.

Traveled quite the distance. I decide to not go for a camping site because it would have meant sidetracking at least 7 kilometres, instead went forward for another 20 and slept on an untended farmland, behind some trees.

17.7.2009 - Friday
99,6/16,3/6:04
After biking four kilometres there is the county beach. I spent there few hours washing my hair, eating food etc.

Because of the wind direction, traveling seemed slow and I had to keep breaks quite often during the first 40 kilometres. After reaching Katrineholm, I went for the south, with wind somewhat on my back. I see a map with a camping site marked inside the city borders of Norrköping. Travelled thru beautiful Åby and reached Norrköping around 21; trouble finding the camping site and had to ask directions from a cop, who decided to drive the patrol vehicle to the camping ground, so I could follow him.

Reception closed, but I'm assured I can just build the tent, use the showers et al and pay in the morning.

18.7.2009 - Saturday
91,1/14,1/6:25
Payment in the morning was successful. The price was 120 crowns (around 10 euros) for the night and 130 crowns for purchasing Scandinavian Camping Card, which is apparently required for most camp sites. I also get a a magazine with all the Swedish camping sites marked on a map. Looking at the map, I feel overwhelmed by the distance I have yet to cover.

Spent the better part of the day walking about Norrköping. Left for South around 14, but again against opposite wind. Decide to follow unpaved roads toward West, in hope of getting the wind of my back. Somewhat success, but the roads are not straight and inadvertently circle back toward itself. High point was following a road that slowly dwindled into nothing and I had to carry the bike over a hill to reach another road - only to find hundred metres later it blocked by barbed wire, to make it part of a cow pasture. While carrying the bike and the bags one at a time over the fenced area (and crawling under the wire myself), it started raining, which thankfully lasted only for an hour.

Found out that not all the smaller places marked on the map actually have a store or other places where refreshments could be found. Started to travel toward Kisa, but found a pleasant camping site on route, by a lake, and decided to build the tent there.

19.7.2009 - Sunday
47,5/16/???
Woke up to the sound of water hitting the canvas. Decided to stay in the tent till the rain would end. It continued till 16, with feeling that this would be temporal break. Calculated that I didn't have enough cold food till tomorrow (couldn't very well use the cooking equipment in the rain) and decided to push forward. I did have some canned beans, but for some reason didn't have a can opener.

Got to Kisa after biking most of the day in rain. Found a camping site, where the land owner said I could pay when I was leaving, at which time I would know the total of my bill.

20.7.2009 - Monday
71,1/15,8/4:38
The rain continued till 16. I settled my account and went forward. Only after few kilometres the rain continued, but thankfully didn't last long. It returned frequently for short bursts thru the evening.

Found a kebab-restaurant, the first I had seen after leaving Stockholm. The owner was from Macedonia, and observed that while business was good in the village where the restaurant was located, it had no social life and the only entertainment was the frequent fist fights the farmers started on pub nights.

Continued toward Eksjö through some beautiful scenery, which didn't easily copy itself to a film. Did try, though. Reached Eksjö quite late at night, but for lack of sleeping place pushed forward. After about ten kilometres, found a good spot in the forest.

Heard some loud, strange voices from the forest that didn't seem to belong to a human. While loud and seemingly coming from a large body, didn't see anything and slowly the voices faded away.

21.7.2009 - Tuesday
73,9/14,4/5:06
The opposite wind became even worse. I had to walk for kilometres at a time because the wind changed direction every other minute, making the bike difficult to drive. Sometimes the wind pushed me to the gutter, sometimes in front of the cars. Thankfully nothing happened, but I chose to walk for kilometres instead of risking it.

The weather continues to be bad otherwise as well. Rain keeps falling sporadically.

The battery of the camera seems to be running low. I have been taking too many pictures; over 200, though it felt like less.

It is hard to push forward. I don't really get to talk to people with whom I have history, and the lack of human contact depresses me. The road ahead seems far, and while I'm certain I can do it, it seems long and thankless journey. I was hoping for more effortless journey; the wind robs 5 to 10 kilometres per hour from my speed. At one point of the day I was going downhill, pushing for more speed and still had trouble passing 15 km/h.

22.7.2009 - Wednesday
86,0/19,4/4:23
Before going to sleep last night I called my mother. The call must be somewhat expensive, but it lifted my spirits. I also decided to go for Malmö and Trelleborg instead of Helsingborg and Denmark (the route would have taken me farther north). This allowed me more space on which to plan my journey.

The day was exellent in other ways as well. For most of the day the wind was behind me and went speeds of 25km/h even uphill. While the pace slowed down as the dark neared, I still covered most of the distance that day in less than four hours.

I stopped to visit county museum, which was mainly centred around nostalgia toward bygone Sweden. I also saw huts on which military used to live on the area.

Slept on camping site. I'm nearing Malmö, only about 150 kilometres as bird flies. As I still have two weeks before I have to get back to work, I'll take some sidetracks to see some of the bigger towns.

23.7.2009 - Thursday
76,4/16,8/4:31
I woke up in the rain, which lasted till 13, when I started biking. The trip to Kristianstad on smaller roads was was rather uneventful, though I did get to photograph a (Swedish) mile-stone, which I had seen through the whole week. This was the one in the best condition thus far, and I'm happy to finally gotten one. The stones for full miles (and one fourths, two fourths and three fourths) have followed me the whole trip. Apparently the miles (which equal ten kilometres) are still used for longer distances, as I few times heard people referencing to living "ten miles north" or traveling "180 miles to Lapland". With the milestones being so common, I would well see why this habit would continue when all the modern signs are in kilometres...

I reached Kristianstad soon enough, but found the outskirts disappointing. This was the first time in Sweden that I saw things being run-down. Thus far, no matter the construction costs, the houses (if not abandoned) were always in good condition and the people living in the houses seemed to have pride in them.

I had forgotten one my bikelocks at the camp site, and was advised to seek a new one from Biltema. Had troubles finding the place, and when I did, the store had already closed, at 19 o'clock. Thankfully, there was a camping site not half a kilometre away. The place was in the middle of the industrial area, which apparently had grown around the old vandrarhem. The price for a tent place and shower was the cheapest on the whole trip - 75 crowns, which included everything.

The staff was quite helpful and likeable, but when asked about the condition of Kristianstad, they reinforced my view of the place as run-down town with no future.

I started feeling regrets for doing the detour for Kristianstad, instead of heading straight to Malmö.

24.7.2009 - Friday
70,7/14,9/4:44
Bought the lock from Biltema and headed for the town centre, which ended up being a lovely old town. Spent time in town museum and then wrote some postcards.

Left toward Malmö around 16, when it promptly started raining again - while I stayed put, it had been all sun. Again I drove against wind, and for some unknown reason there was no way to reach Malmö directly by bike, thanks to the road being part of the European road network, on which biking is forbidden. I had to use old tractor roads, and the (very poor) road went like letter "S" on both sides of the motorway. I didn't do much distance that day, but I did tire myself to the largest extend during my trip.

Reached a camping site, where I met friendly people. Decided to rest for a whole day, the first since I got to Stockholm.

25.7.2009 - Saturday
Stayed put. The camping site was rather expensive (180 crowns for a tent place), but as the weather stayed abysmal I had no rush to get back on the road. Spent time with the campers and surfed the internet on my ipod.

26.7.2009 - Sunday
108,1/15,6/6:55
Today I biked to Malmö through Lund. The trip was, again, against wind. This is apparently a common occurrence as the trip saw me crossing several wind power plants that were busy grinding energy.

Lund had a beautiful old town, and soon after I left it I came to the outskirts of Malmö, which was, again, a bit of a disappointment; it was very similar to Kristianstad. Only the very centre with its houses from middle ages were worth seeing. After touring a while, I left for Trelleborg, from where I hoped to catch a ferry to Germany.

After getting only ten kilometres away from Trelleborg, the biking road ended and E-road started. While it had a sign forbidding bikers, there was a good paved 2 metre distance on the other side of the outer white line, on which I could travel far safer than on some other parts of Sweden. Reached Trelleborg and found that the ferry to Rostock would leave in four hours - at 23:00. Got tickets to it. Slept very badly on board.

27.7.2009 - Monday
69,5/13,2/5:13
I set my wheels on German ground at five in the morning. Was surprised to notice that there was a nuclear power plant right next door to the harbour.

I biked a while and slept in the forest waiting for the TallinkSilja's offices to open. When they did, I found out that the next boat to Finland would only leave at Wednesday and it would be full.

I tried to find alternatives on the city library's computer, but alas, the computers were from the 90s and still ran Windows 2000 with Internet Explorer 5.5. Most of the webpages I were depending on didn't open. In the end I called my mother who was able to secure me a place in the ship.

She also urged me to go get the ticket from the office as fast as possible, and to sleep "at least one night" in a proper bed.

Thus far I have probably not mentioned that the roads in Rostock were abysmal for biking. While the car roads were in good condition, the biking/walking roads were rised and seldom were the needs of bikes observed. Also, these roads were not paved but plated with cement squares, which were not even. This made travelling quite uncomfortable. The roads were also filled with unused tram-lines, which made it important to look down in order for the wheel to not get stuck. When we also add that on certain crossing there was only one pedestrian light, which had been situated thus as biker's eye would not reach it, it became understandable that I didn't see a car gaining speed from a crossing (apparenty the driver figured that green light was enough of a moral high ground to drive a biker to the ground). Thankfully he was turning and not going ahead, or I would probably not be here writing this.

Long story short, he hit me (apparently thinking that a bike could easily avoid a car if properly motivated, not counting on the quite tired driver or the additional weight of travelling gear). The car's bumber got some scratches. The driver insisted on calling the police, which after some problems (nobody understood English) ended with me fined (for 120 euros) and my insurance details being written down.

I got the ticket, and went on to try to find a sleeping place. Alas, all the hotels were full, and even the local camping site had only one spot left, of which they asked 43 euros. I didn't accept, and instead slept in the woods.

28.7.2009 - Tuesday
20/???/???
Woke up and went to long and beautiful beach which was the whole seafront of the area. Spent there several hours. Lost my glasses in the sea, and found it rather tricky to bike back to TallinkSilja offices, at which the ship would be boarded on midnight for departure in 5 in the morning on the following day.

29.5.2009 - Wednesday
Spent sleeping at the ship.

30.5.2009 - Thursday
Mother fetched me from the harbour and drove home. Feeling pretty ok, but as the hours passed the trip starts to get me down, with my knees and hands aching in particular.
..

If I would have to do the trip again, I would perhaps more closely follow the seacoast, instead of so readily biking west. I have a feeling that the roads would have been better suited for bicycle travel there, but this theory will have to go untested. All in all the trip was quite satisfactory, though maybe a tad too long by myself. In the future, I would probably either find a friend to accompany myself, or limit the trip to 500 kilometres. Longer than that seem to cause depression for lack of human contact.

The people in Sweden were surprisingly friendly. In towns, the people readily and cheerfully helped me when I didn't understand how some machine worked (such as the card-readers in stores), and while on the road they gave me a good girth, so not once did I feel I was in danger, even when I was driving with the cars. Indeed, when I was driving late at night, the cars slowed down, honked and showed me a thumb in support, for having the stamina to continue after sun had set.

This all changed at Rostock. The people were, by and large, quite unpleasant. The cars seemed to try to intentionally make my life miserable and did not take me into consideration when plotting the courses. This went to such lengths that one hit me rather than tried to avoid me. But of that I have already told you enough!

All in all, the trip was quite satisfactory, and I will endeavour to do something similar next year.

Success with Ubuntu!

After the previous post, I just had to show the Ubuntu (in it's half-installed state) to a friend of mine. Even not working properly, it looked so damn cool!

So, while I was sitting on his couch and he was tinkering with something I idly started doing some google-searches and found a document that solved my WLAN-troubles.

I also had problems with the BEEB-sound the computer did once in a while. A person on irc referred to his blog.

The sound-problem -- my last big problem -- was solved by finding this forum thread and the post by m94mni.

Now the computer works 100%. I wrote this post in case I ever screw this up again and end up doing the same drill again.. I know what I did wrong and where to find the help.

What I bought and did I like it and what next?

I wrote this one and half years ago. Go on, take a look, I'll wait.

Done? OK. I have pretty much done ("bought) everything in that list. Here's what I think of them today.

1. I bought a Gen5 iPod just before the price dropped over 100 euros. Depressed me a bit, but on the other hand, the product itself has worked for me like a charm. There are some problems with DRM and pulling music out of the instrument. I also wish for mini-USB port to replace the current non-standard one (makes charging the gadget or transferring files easier while visiting). Both of those needs are fairly small problems though, and seldom occur me. Maybe I have grown to live with them.
Since then, Apple has pushed new iPod nano's and iPod touches to market, but they don't really do anything to me. I hear the DRM has gone up and not down, even on the level of hardware. When the time leaves my player, I wonder with what I'm going to replace it with. All the competitors look so very plastic, and I feel a product should be both stylish and able. Most of the competitive things on the market are either/or.

2. Eyeglasses. Bought them, you can probably see them on the right. Heavier than my old frames (which date back to year 2001 or so) the new ones are more angular and look less "geekish". I wanted glasses that didn't seem to be shamed of themselves; my last glasses were almost round and seemed to say; "I need glasses, these should do". Now I wanted (and still want) glasses that say "even if my eyesight were perfect, I might still wear these". The glasses cost over 400 euros, as I recall. Partly because my eyesight is far from perfect, partly because glasses made from titanium alloy are not cheap.
I would really wish to own a second good-looking pair. As the EU has brought new competitors to the field, the price of optics has started to fall. I should be able to get glasses for little over 200 now. But this is really on the backburner. Not because of money, but because stores don't really carry a good collection of titanium frames.

3. I bought a laptop, a HP Pavilion. This was a difficult one, the technology was again going through a new paragrim shift, from 1024x800 to 1280x800, and from one core to dual core. The laptops had also started to move from necessary business tools and toys for geeks to "my personal, only computer" class. There was also a pressure to bring the prices down plus get the hardware ready for Vista. Back when I finally did the selection (October 2006) Vista was already late (and brought out four months later). The maker of the laptop was HP, but I notice myself thinking Sony (I seem to connect non-working pieces of shit with the company thanks to the MiniDisc).
To be fair, the computer doesn't really have one big fault that makes it unusable. More like a big selection of small problems that pile up and make the gadget annoying to use.

• The cover is plastic and looks good. However, it's not sturdy and doesn't protect the screen components on the inside. Thus my screen now has some colouring faults, particularly on the right side of the screen.
• The screen and keyboard don't open up to 180 degrees, but only to 140 or so. Perfectly OK if you use the computer on a table, but if support the PC on your legs, you can't get your eyes to the optimum angle.
• The volume, playback options and media buttons are touch-operated (and only work when the OS is running). This means that if you are booting your computer at a library or in some other HUSH-place, you can only turn the sounds off only after Windows has executed the quite loud TADAA!-sound.
• The loudspeakers seem to have interface, and sometimes emit metallic SCREECH-sound on the background. The maximum volume is barely over the "I can't hear you"-level.
  
• MovieDVD's etc. seem to have problems running. Also the (quite standard with all drives, I hear) regional coding with only five switches is quite annoying particularly as DVD's of other regions seem to wander in libraries etc. quite freely.
• Integrated graphics card seems to mean that all 3D-animation (as in games) comes with a half-second lag.
  
• Of the 80 GB hard drive, 15 GB is taken by the quite useless restore-partition.
  
• Naturally, HP is so cheap as not to ship the computer with DVD's, but makes you burn them yourself.
• If you HAVE to reinstall windows using the DVD, there is no chance of saving files on self-made other partitions, but the windows-installation starts with custom-made "wiping and redoing all partitions" function. Also quite common, I hear.
  

I would wish to buy a new one, but the current one isn't "that bad", only annoying. I can't justify using about 1000€ for something I don't currently even much need. Incidentally, HP is still using the upgraded Pavilion-design as it's flagship for consumer-laptops. Don't buy it.

4. 23" flat monitor. It was 22", it cost 300€ (because I didn't choose the cheapest model) and I'm very happy with it. I think I shouldn't have gone with plasma, but that's mostly because of the energy consumption, not because of the product itself.

5. I repaired the old electric grill my dad gave me (he got it as a wedding gift, and it was ready to garbage when I got it). After that it looked almost new and is good for another 25 years or so. It makes quite excellent toasts.

What then?
Like one and half years ago, I'm still wondering about TV's. I notice that the price of 42" Full HD has dropped to around 1200-1500€ (when year ago it was over 2500€ for HD Ready 40"). I can afford one now, but don't really have the space (or need) for one. Apart of television (and maybe console of some sort) there isn't really any consumer goods I would wish to have (I don't judge clothes, glasses or books/comics to be "consumer goods" as used in this post).
It does depress me a bit that after years of living comfortably with "after necessities, I have 50€ left for fun!" , I can safely ponder buying TVs without feeling too guilty about it... only to realize that TVs, like so many other consumer goods, aren't really for me. Half of the fun of thinking about these things was that they were so far outside your comfort-range. Like computer games that become boring after you learn how to use money-cheats or after defeating the Big Boss but still having option to wander the world.

I suppose that I'm not the only person in the world with this problem. Money doesn't get you happiness, and I never thought it would.. but I always thought that by the time I would get to this point (somehow I thought it would be later in life) I would have found something else to funnel time, interest and money to. Alas, this hasn't happened.

Q.E.D. I need a drug habit.

Reviews.

Published something at kvaak.fi. Check if you can read Finnish.

Also: I finally get to write something to Sarja-info, something I have been hoping and treading for two years now!

Walking away from church

Today, I finally did something I had been pondering for five years or so.

I filed my resignation papers from church today (handily done via online-form. Thanks modern age!) and started thinking about the repercussions. Nothing too serious, but let me walk you through;

The things that have mostly kept me in this long were (1.) the idea that I believed in something, (2.) that church did Samaritan work both in Finland and abroad and (3.) that I wanted to upkeep the church buildings themselves as historical artefacts.

In turn, the biggest reason why I filed the papers was the (1.) sobering realization that I don't need outside-confirmation for my beliefs. I can read comics without belonging to Comics Society (but I belong anyway, because I enjoy the company and the perks); similarly I can choose to believe in things without belonging to Believing Society. I'm not using the perks and services that come with the membership, so why should I pay for them? Particularly as the membership is something 15 times more than in Comics Society.
Other reasons (less important) include the fact that (2.) while church does Samaritan work, this work consists of only 10,6% of the yearly budget. For every ten euros I pour in, only one goes to help other people. I could better use my money to give it to some other organisation(s), that only have one objective instead of several dozen.
I'm also not comfortable with the fact that (3.) while some of the the priests are very comfortable with the society we live in (as I have doubtlessly mentioned in the past) some are not. This particularly goes for the higher hierarchies and the northern provinces of the country.
Every time I hear about a priest refusing to work in the same church as another priest - because the another priest happens to be a she - I get a bit uneasy.
The final reason was missionary work. Thinking that I pay for something that sends people to Amazon, Africa etc. to talk about God and thus is a direct reason for vanishing nature religions tens of thousands of years old is just wrong. Even though I know it isn't what it was a century or or (perish the thought) millenium ago.


But here I am. Now I have to think where to give money - Red Cross? Some organisation that works against mental illnesses? It used to be so easy, just giving church money.. of course, explaining my belonging to church just because of its convenient nature (and with 90% of my money going to somewhere else) is not morally right either.

Shame about the buildings thought.

The picture is taken from Wikipedia, attributed to Creative Commons and can be found here.

Linux, here I come!

One of the biggest reasons why my laptop isn't running linux is that I use it to make video calls. Linux has notoriously bad trackrecord for video (or audio)-conversations. Even commercial applications with Linux-ports usually lack video-support.

Well, no longer.

Thank you Skype!

Facebook

Little over month ago I promised I might write about this.

Beginnings
I have been an Facebook user for six, eight weeks now. I don't really remember why I originally joined; probably it was just a moment's fancy. I did comment on MySpace. And, in case you happen to have forgotten, I disliked it immensely. So maybe I wanted to do similar piece on Facebook; this is entirely inside the realm of possibility.

I did get an invite months ago, but as it ended up being one of those accidentally sent ones - Facebook asks if it can sent an invite to everyone on your address book - I didn't join and even complained to the sender that you shouldn't allow companies to endorse their products on your name. And if you believe in a product, you should believe in the product enough to write your own endorsement, invitation... and not just use the default one.
Never trust an default invite. It's probably fake or accidentally sent. If you ever find one from me, I didn't send it voluntarily. But I digress.

Background
The first thing I learned about Facebook, nearly a year ago was this; in Iraq, the privates use MySpace... and the officers Facebook. In civilian life, MySpace is used by the young, the alternative crowd.. in other words, people who value experimentation, "their own terms" over standards or "the way found best". I don't particularly like this definition, as it leaves me in the non-alternative crowd - a demographic I'd rather not belong to.
Where MySpace is known for its individuality, customization - with very poor tools, as mentioned - Facebook in turn believes in standards. MySpace has flashy colours; Facebook has some blue on white. MySpace handles the whole page as a single entity; Facebook uses java to arrange the information and layout (inside assigned grid, with limitations) so whatever you do with your profile, it looks at least semi-professional. And while Facebook doesn't allow you to change your background colour, add music or bling.. what it does allow to do is far easier to do than anything on MySpace. All in all, I would say the difference is that of the personal homepages of last century to a profile on a company page - this is not a perfect analogue, but gets pretty close.

What is it good for?
There are several ways to handle your profile, I suppose. I hear that many IT-professionals use it to create contact networks for viral advertising and job prospects, some use it to play some sort of minigames with each other (I saw rock-paper-scissors in one profile).. I mainly use it to stay in contact with my friends, keep track of interesting events and so on.
On longer term, it's also excellent for contact information. You can enter your contact names, phone numbers, home addresses.. and then limit who will see it. Therefore, I can allow my "true friends" to see all the above information, but my "friendsters" only one email and instant messenger-id. The rest will have to be satisfied to my name, mugshot and location.
It's very handy if you happen to need to send a postcard, lose your phone or format your computer... or need a reminder when the birthdays are coming up (I, at least, can never remember those). But daily? I see what my friends are up to, share photos I have taken and paste recommended pages to other profiles. Small things that say that I remember you, you are still my friend even if we haven't met lately due to distance or time constraints.

In the end
But all in all, I find Facebook to answer a need I didn't know I had (aren't the best innovations like that, really?). I have used several networking sites (starting with IRC-Galleria and MySpace) and they often work only vanity-pages - look at my face! Look where I am! Facebook (while nodding to the mentioned things) has the focus on actually contacting other people and keeping touch.

It does what MySpace does, in the same way as business suits and jogging clothes are both basically there to keep you from being naked - but there is a difference, now isn't there?

Photos from Espoonlahti

Went with mum and sis to Espoonlahti to walk today. In case you don't know, it's at south-Espoo, next to sea. When we came, sun was still up, by the end the sun was setting. I tweaked the photos a bit to give them the colours that didn't properly copy themselves to the film [memory card?].

Click on the photo to view them all (six, this one included).

The Sea During Winter

This photo is four years old. I was working as "research assistant" in Tapiola, a district in Espoo. From there it was about five kilometres to Lauttasaari [Ferry Island] where my grandmother lived. I walked there few times after work, and once took the photo while crossing the bridge.

It is quite amusing that now, nearly half decade later I find this on my hard drive, when I'm nearly on the same situation again; pondering about future. Then I had just graduated from High School and was weighting the options where to continue my studies (just stopping there didn't really occur to me) and what army would be like (next summer).

As far as I can recall, that is Espoo on the right and Sea on the left. Hundred years ago, you could just walk to Tallinn from here; now the Ice Breakers that keep the waterways open make this impossible.

Buzzing in my mind

I have so many things I would like to write about, but can't seem to get anything together! I'm going to throw them up here, and if I ever develop them further, change them into links. How does that sound?

Comics Festival.
It's great to meet new people and old ones, but it's so hard to make people stay in contact afterwards (because of the whole "your a girl and I'm a guy and I kind of like you.."-factor). Which is a bugger, because not all the girls I like talking to I would like to bed.
Also; the hectic timetable and not sleeping enough.

Instant messaging etiquette.
1.) When you start talking to someone the first time ever, after greeting establish where you know each other from or where did you get the address. There's lots of idiots out there and you can't expect the other to do research to identify you.
Also: the person to start the conversation also has to establish the topic.
2.) If you are going to leave the computer, you are doing something else and can't answer - let the other party know. It's not nice to wait five to fifteen minutes for answer to a question or to carry on the conversation - IM's are not just about keeping boredom at bay. It's also legitimate way of conversation, and you have to take precautions for the fact that the other person is giving you his undivided attention.
3.) When the conversation ends, let the other one know - don't just leave it hanging.
4.) Remember, when you IM, you are talking to another person and not to a computer with limitless patience.

The connection between personality and the work the personality creates.
You love somebody's art, stories or jokes, and then find that your political views are almost opposite. Does it make the creations any less likeable? Many people seem to think so..

Facebook.
Unlike MySpace, it rocks.

Graduation paper
My "maturity sample", what I'm going to create to graduate from my "University of Applied Sciences". I was mostly thinking logistics, software, piracy and how copy protection is a see-saw between limiting too much and too little.

How organizations survive
Thinking about comics festival. None of the original founders are around anymore, but somehow it's still the same event. Why? Because of the same name? The feeling? Or just that it has been "passed on", like set of dinner plates, from one one generation to another?

11th of September 2001

It was about 15:30 when my mother called me away from computer to tell that WTC had been hit in New York. At the time I was only vaguely clear of the whole existence of the Twin Towers. Even so, after watching the news broadcast only few minutes, I got tired of it and returned to computer.
Not long after, my mother called me back - another tower had been hit.

I don't think I understood then what that meant.

I didn't understand it well the next day either. A friend of mine - who made a point of being anti-American - said something about them asking for it.

Now, six years later, it leaves me wondering. I wasn't terribly taken by USA myself. I had learned of the contras and the toppling of democracies not long before, and couldn't quite grasp the difference between nation as an entity, the person at the helm of the state ship and the people who voted him to power. It all blurred together, into a fairy tale creature called America who didn't care about the rest of the countries and was on pollution spree (Bush had not long before announced of not taking part in Kyoto).

During the following months and years, USA launched two wars, openly ridiculed Europe and threw away all the credits they had gotten in the tradegy. Carrying stuff thru airports became more difficult - they still didn't find the Swiss army knife forgotten in the backpack, but now you couldn't carry any water and I had to remove shoes before getting to the tax free zone. I read about USA abusing records of EU citizens when they entered on American soil and stories of a reporter who got jailed at JFK for a week and then turned back because ten years earlier she had overstayed her visa by a day.

I begin to realize the difference administration does to a country, and how well Clinton arranged his foreign policy.

I feel like something is happening, now. Something monumentous, something with a solid date that starts a new era. It is often so that every decade has an event that characterizes the following decade; WTC, Berlin Wall, invasion of Czechoslovakia and Apollo 11...

I feel something like that is coming. I don't know what, and I might be wrong, but somehow it all seems so very omnious. And, as so often these days, it has something to do with USA. And I don't think it's anything joyous, like Apollo 11 and Berlin Wall was. I think it's still becoming worse.

I'm scared. At some point future changed from something that one looks forward to to something you are vaguely scared of.

And back in September 2001 they had a moment for silence for the people who died, at 10 o'clock, in the beginning of the history period. I was late for the class and while sitting down I wondered why everyone was silent and what the hell was going on. In a way, I'm still wondering.

You take things for granted and..

I was quite happy just a hour ago, surfing net, reading comics. Then I checked my Inbox and found mail from my dad, who is currently vacationing in Mexico and living with a friend of his;

Hi,
I was the weekend, till Saturday, at San Antonio, where the heat was 40 degrees. Then we drove to Durango through Piedras Negras. We had to change our course, when we found a burning lorry in front of us (100m). We waited a while, but when the driver came by and told that he was shipping 22 tons of dynamite.
They springled water over the lorry and the fire seemed to be under control. We still decided to leave for safety's sake, and while we were eating 5 km's away we heard a loud explosion; 30something died and 70 got hurt. The group included firemen, police, reporters and inhabitants of nearby houses.

The crater was 4m deep and 10m wide.

We drove the motorway through the night to get here. Tomorrow we are going to Mazatlan to beach vacation, where I'm going to teach Jaime to fish.

I was quite disoriented after reading this, but decided to check if maybe there was something about this in Google News. This was the first entry with the searchword "dynamite";

Mexico Dynamite Truck Explosion Kills 34

By JUAN MONTANO – 3 hours ago

PIEDRAS NEGRAS, Mexico (AP) — A dynamite-laden truck exploded after colliding with another vehicle on a busy highway in northern Mexico's coal country, killing at least 34 people, including three reporters at the scene, state and federal officials said.
[...]
Shortly after the crowd arrived, the wreckage caught fire, and the dynamite exploded, sending a ball of fire into the sky that consumed nearby cars and left a 10-by-40 foot crater in the concrete, said Maximo Alberto Neri Lopez, a federal police official.

He said more than 150 people were injured.

My dad was there. He could easily have been one of the 150 people, if he wouldn't have wandered off (mostly out of boredom, I would say, more than from safety.. but I may judge him too harshly). It doesn't make it much better that the email starts with a nice tidbit about weather and ends in the plan to teach fishing. Like this incident was nothing..

I might be in shock. It's 1:15 and I should be sleeping, but my heart is racing. I wonder how the other people in my family will react, when they check their Inboxes.

I sent dad a reply and told how happy I was that I still had him. You take these things for granted. And I can't think that last Wednesday, the last time I had proper time to spend with him, I dismissed him to go watch telly...

Glasgow

I spent little over four months in Paisley, about 30 kilometres from Glasgow. It was great time, not only because I made new friends and (I think) learned something new about life and institutions..

While I was there, I felt myself somewhat caged in how everything possible was barred off, making many streets into labyrinths, where you could only move to one direction hundreds of metres without chance to turn left or right. When streets went like that to every direction, you started to get a bit claustrophobic. Even though the civilization-free hills were always on sight, in practice Paisley - and by extension, Glasgow - were like maps in first person shooters, the hills being unreachable background decoration.

The food was expensive even by Finnish standards. I disliked the crowds, the social injustice, and some aspects (such as the glorification of past military victories and the fact that sometimes the city looked more like a giant gravestone) quite disturbed me ...

..but I notice that, even after all those things, I miss it.
I miss the small alternative cafes where I felt like in a friend's living room.
I miss those small speciality stores in the very centre of the city.
I miss how people dressed more sharply than in here.
I miss those abandoned spaces in the middle of the city which everyone has forgotten.
I miss gardens that were built hundreds of years ago and relentlessly tended ever since.
I miss the fact that it was always chilly enough to wear a nice warm coat, but never so freezing that you wouldn't go outside without it.
I miss the feeling that Glasgow mattered, that it was worth of special notice compared to Helsinki or (ha ha) Kerava.
I miss the freedom to choose between many quality papers and some really trashy yellow ones.
I miss the donuts in grocery stores.
I miss the friends I left behind.

I miss Glasgow.

I think I might very well be homesick. Only four months there and I'm homesick. Will it ever rub off?

Living extraordinary lives

During the past few days I watched (again) The Fabulous Destiny of Amélie Poulain and continued reading One Palestine, Complete, among other things. While doing this I again thought about how interesting and almost magical life was in the movie, or as descripted in the book (not talking about the violence). This led me back to my old thoughts about what interesting - or special - life essentially is. And while it should have been always readily apparent to me, it only now really hit home; life is [almost] never extraordinary; it's either normal or miserable. And I'm talking about judging your own life, here and now, and not someone else's.

Let me explain.

What makes life extraordinary, special or otherwise noteworthy? How someone lives, what he does or who he meets. This means riches, achievements or relations. The problem is, that in the first case we judge someone's living conditions compared to those of someone else; we are always ourselves the standard. Rich people see poor people living extraordinarily, if miserably. And poor people in turn see rich people living...well..extraordinarily happy.
The problem with the second is that while things sound glorious while told as a story or anecdote (for example, living abroad due to father's work), the experience of going through with it is actually quite tedious and mundane. The long flights, living in a country with high language barrier, no friends etc. The extraordinary parts get buried under the pile of daily problems.
And the third? Well, knowing great people does bring some light into your life, but I feel that it also lights the misery of your own life in comparison.

Now, after saying all this I admit that there are people who feel like they live extraordinarily; I expect most of them are people who's living conditions changed dramatically (and suddenly) after childhood, usually due to some singular feat (like winning in Olympics after years of practice) or because someone else did something big (distant relative died and left his considerable fortune to your disposal). But in normal life? There was a person in my classroom few years ago who had used two years to hitch hike around the world. I remember overhearing him talking about dancers in Brazil, about holy places in Jerusalem and the rush hours of Japan. I'm sure he felt he had done something nice and cool, but while telling you have been to all these places (and visualizing to others how you did it) seems grand, in practice I bet the grandiose is lost in his mind under the nights in flea-ridden hostels and days walking in rain.

The only people who in practice ever think that their life isn't normal are those who are chronically depressed and want to get better or find a way out.

And Amélie? She walks in Paris where nuns cross the streets in flocks, a man with glass bones and artistic tendencies lives under the same roof and everyone you meet is a strong personality, worth a book by themselves. And she never realizes it, or wonders about it; I'm sure she thought about it briefly when she moved to that area, but in practice; this was her life, right? And life is normal, no matter how extraordinary it actually is.

Friends and emotional attachments

How do we define people around us? Unknown, people we know by name, people we spend time with (but don't actually know), friends? Particularly the last two categories fascinate me. You get from category #1 to category #2 just by introducing and maybe sitting in the same class room. To number #3 by going for a beer together. But to #4?
Is there an universal definition? Some people say that once you let people into your home you are friends. Or that you can spend time together without actually doing anything. Are mutual interests expected? Trust? Love? Respect? Something else?

I'm asking this because while there are many people I happily declare my friends in all the above definitions of the word, there are some that I don't. Or, to put it less bluntly, don't think if it's proper to call them friends. I'll get back to this shortly. Bear with me.

I remember that at the age of 12 an adult asked me who my friends (ystävät) are. I responded by listing my few mates (kaverit). After that, the adult in question was careful to call them as such. The distinction was that "mate" is a #3 while "friend" is a #4. I notice that some people are more relaxed with these terms. I have often wondered do they do so just out of courtesy, or are they so quick to forge the emotional bonds that friends have between each other? Or imagine that such bonds exist? Or maybe they just have a definition that allows #3's to be called #4's.

I wonder.

To go on; is there a proper way to make a friend? I have never been very good at this. A person is an occasional distraction at school... and few years later you notice its four in the morning and you have spent forty-odd hours in the "distraction's" apartment watching television, telling poor jokes and talking about life. Obviously, at some part between these two scenes the relationship changed.

Back to the definition. I hear that people who use MySpace and MSN to forge social contacts make a distinction between "friend" and "friendster". By definition, the latter are not real friends, but #3's. It comes to me, can one forge real, lasting relationships through the Internet, without actually ever meeting the other face-to-face.
I remember reading last year in newspaper about a Finnish guy who had entered exchange of letters with American girl in the 1950s (when both of them were still in middle school) and only met the week the newspaper came out. They had written each other letters for over 50 years, diligently and without fail. And while the Finnish guy had been to America - indeed, only few score kilometres from the girl, he hadn't had the opportunity to see her. And she had travelled Europe but had likewise been unable to visit Finland.
Were they friends? I imagine they wrote on paper everything that happened in their lives. I imagine, that over the years they told each other secrets they didn't tell anyone else, not even their spouses. But they had never met. They didn't know how the other laughed, how the other smiled. Didn't know how the other liked to form sentences or what syllables they give weight when talking. Or how the other has curious way of bending head when checking the time.

Are such things important for friendship? Is it strange, pathetic or otherwise improper to call people you have talked daily for years friends? Even if you have never met, even if it's only through IRC or instant messenger?

Where do you draw the line? What's the definition?

What the hell is wrong with organized religions?

I have been thinking of religions lately. Partly because of this entry (I was linked by my friend Vlad, who apparently has rather good grasp on things I like), partly because couple of Jehovah's Witnesses came to visit the Residence the other day. I was not around, but apparently they knocked on each flat door and asked from which countries the inhabitants are from. They then gave Watchtowers and Awake!-magazines in the languages of the countries mentioned. So now I have religious magazines in Finnish and English on the kitchen table.

I don't much base for organized religion. I trust the scientific approach as far as our normal life goes, and I quite agree with the idea of evolution and Newtonian physics (yes, I know they only apply as long as the objects travel slower than 10% of speed of light). When we step outside the area that can be observed and verified directly by our senses, I get a bit unsure. They say that it all started with a Big Bang, which seems like a sensible conclusion from the known facts. The same goes for post-Einstein physics. They say it allows pretty much everything from time travel to reaching distant stars in days. This may very well be so, and I do know that CD-players would be impossible to manufacture without Einstein's theories.

But when you start to think about it, REALLY think about it; the universe is so huge and big and infinite. There are no borders but it expands all the time. And every material is coming from the same spot and has just spread around. There may be evidence to support it - and I do want to believe - but it's too big. And the same goes for the religious alternatives.

But to be honest, I'm not very concerned. Some days I feel that there might be something out there, and on some days I don't. In general, I feel that it's more important to know what's inside than outside. And whatever you believe, they are your beliefs and don't really belong to anyone else. If I discover something that works to me, the last thing I want to hear is that I'm wrong. Incidentally, Lutheran church (at least in Finland) is pretty cool with the subject. Apparently they (we?) have priests who don't believe in Hell. And priests that only believe in God as a symbol for human goodness. And priests that don't believe that women can be priests, which pretty well shows the other side of the tolerance-argument, but I digress.

I do read about other religions; believes often tell something important about the culture and the person itself. And so I was reading Finnish Awake! at the kitchen table, while I was eating my breakfast müsli. I admit that I dont know much about Jehovahs Witnesses, other than they go from door to door and nobody seems to like them. It's all very vague.

There was a longish article in Young people ask-series titled Why is it wrong to date in secret?. It was basically the moral story of Jessica, with additional quotes and explanations from the Bible. Jessica's story goes as follows;

Jessica had to do a choice. Everything started when one of her classmates, Jeremy, told he was interested in her. Jessica says: "He was very good looking, and my friends said that you will never find a guy as honourable as him. Many girls were interested in him, but he only had eyes for me".

After a time, Jeremy asked Jessica out. She tells: "I explained to him that I am a Jehovah's Witness, and that I could not date anyone who was not a Witness. But then Jeremy got an idea; we could date without telling my parents.

[...] Surprisingly, Jessica accepts Jeremy's idea. "I was sure that if I dated him, I could make him love Jehovah", she says. [Then] Jessica [...] heard about another Christian girl in the same situation. "When I found out that she had ended her relationship, I knew what I had to do", Jessica says. Was ending the relationship easy? No! "He was the only boy who I had ever truly cared about", Jessica says. "I cried every day for weeks."

Jessica also knew something else: she loved Jehovah, and even if she had gotten sidetracked, she genuinely wanted to do what was right. In time, the pain went away. Jessica tells; "my relationship with Jehovah is now better than ever. I am really thankful that he gives to us at the right time the kind of guidance we need."

(From Herätkää!, June 2007)

The girl cried for weeks and imagine what the boy felt like. I don't really know what the teaching of the story was - other than "cults are bad for you, mmkay?" - But I'd like you to imagine what it would be like if there is no Witness community on the area. The article also mentions that dating is forbidden altogether if the people aren't old enough to marry and prepared to do so after relatively short dating.

Religion is what you make of it, what you believe in. You can try to convince others to believe in the same way, but it's rather inhuman to make people live in a way that makes them unhappy. Denying something purely because somebody says you should does sound a bit perverse for me, just because somebody may have probably said something against it, possibly, 3 000 years ago. As such I really like the relaxed attitude of the ground-level Lutheran church; the higher ups are not as much fun (few years ago they fired an employee for being gay).

I am, of course, a product of my society, and of my generation. People talk about traditions, values and history. Personally I think that for them to carry on, they should have some other things for going for them than just age. And not everything old is bad, but that story sends chills down my spine. Actually, I felt pretty bad for few days. The worst thing is that they didn't even think Jeremy's feelings were worth exploring. The only important thing is that Jessica had gotten closer to God!

Diary

Memory is a terrible thing. It alters and simplifies our recollection, making us heroes of our own lives. We forget our failures. Different occasions merge together and sometimes the timeline of events goes all topsy-turvy as our brain tries to make stories out of singular events.

My first venture into keeping journal wasn't voluntary. I was seven years old and I had problems with learning to write Finnish. I had been out of the country for two years, studying and reading in English (as well as one aged six can). Coming back to homeland and learning to write in language with different grammar proved to be problematic. My mother bought me a calendar book and forced me to write an entry for every day, even though I had very little interest in doing so.

First time I tried writing one voluntarily was when I was ten. I was spending my summer in Nicaragua, and thought that it might be a good idea to record events from a time that would surely be unlike any other in my life. After the first two weeks, the entries started to get shorter. After three weeks, they were just a list of verbs. Soon I stopped completely.
I tried again four years later, for the same reasons as above. The entries were longer, but during the two and half months I only got twenty pages into A5-notebook. I spent weeks without writing anything - though to be fair, the summer was pretty uneventful.

During this time in my life, I was sure that I was already emotionally as adult as I would ever be, and that the memories of those days would never fade. Thus I didn’t keep a diary, a thing I can’t deem as good or bad. The memories did fade, but I suspect that they were nothing in particular I would want to remember. On the other hand, this was the time of my life when I created many of the quirks I now have. Would be nice to know why I originally avowed not to use alcohol or why I disliked a person whose company I three years later looked quite forward to.

I wrote my first long, emotional text when my first relationship crashed. I was feeling awful. For reasons I don’t remember I opened Notepad and started writing. I must have filled two or three pages, and I remember how it surprised me that I couldn’t lie to myself as I did in my head. Half-truths that made sense in my mind looked so thin on paper. I had to tell my feelings and situation as a story, which forced me to question things you normally brush over in your head, as you are more occupied with the present state of affairs.
I wrote for two hours, after which I password-protected the file. I probably have the file still somewhere on my hard drive, but I have not taken a look. While I was more truthful, I have no illusions that I would have been any less naïve.
Reading the file again would also surely hurt, if for different reasons than then. Written word always reflects the ways we think – never more than when we write about our personal problems. I am not sure I want to face the person I was then – even if it would be a moment of growth as a human being.

Last summer I got a book from my mother with hard red covers and full of blank A4-pages. Mum meant me to use it for drawing – I was just finishing my fourth book – but I found the paper was too glossy for that. The ink didn’t stick to the paper needing up to five minutes to dry.
The book rested on my shelf for few months till I found myself depressed by worries of the future, family and matters of heart. I could not separate the feelings in my head, leaving me unable to function. I was in sorry state for few weeks till it occurred for me to take the book down from the shelf and start writing.
This was over half a year ago, and to date I have finished 107 entries. Some of the entries are written very carefully, with every alphabet carefully placed precisely where intended. Some are written hurriedly, with big and half-formed words scrawling over the pages like fat snails. But I kept writing about my experiences, thoughts, worries and hopes, even when I was tired, sick, angry or feeling my heart would burst from grief.

It helps to write things down when you have a problem; just having it on paper changes it to something more akin to to-do list. Matters of heart become solid, making them easy to touch. Often writing it down even offered solutions that were earlier nowhere to be seen.
It helps to write things down even on a normal day; you never know when you want to know of some detail that would otherwise escape your memory, or remind yourself how you felt about different people.
And finally, it stops you from making stories out of your life. Going trough the pages you can see what was important to you then, and how you felt about different subjects. Seeing how things unfolded gives you a change to learn of them more effectively than by just recalling.
Alas, it also offers exellent list of mistakes you make. Where you trusted the wrong people and where you made a mistake that only manifested months later.

But, all in all, I love my diary with red covers. It has probably improved my life more than any other singular item ever in my possession.

What did I want to be when I grew up?

This is a looking-back post. In a way, it's a decade report about where I was ten years ago and where I am now. I think it's very personal text about, basically, how I became me. You might wonder why I write it here, on a public blog (ha ha) where anybody (hah) might see it instead to the privacy of my own diary journal. I leave you with that question for now, and give answer at the end; after reading these things about me, it might make more sense.

I imagine all of you have seen Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. The film has a part where, with flashbacks, we learn how Jones became archaeologist, how he started to fear snakes, how he got named Indiana and where he got his style.
And you could see all this from following him on one important day of his life. Somehow it was so easy. You are a kid with no plans of future, and then you experience something important and suddenly you know who you want to be in twenty years.
In real life, it all happens gradually and is - at least it was for me - full of pain.

Ten years ago I was doing my last days at lower compulsory school. Back home the summer between lower and upper compulsory school is pretty much the difference between child (12) and a teenager (13).

I was not well liked. My family had moved to the town a year earlier, and I only had two friends in the school; I suspect they might not have liked me very deeply, and only were in my company because you have to have something to do during the breaks. After the summer, I did not see them again.
There were over 38 people in our class; our home class was an old (and small) gymnasium, built in the fifties, which had fallen in disuse after they had built another school building next to ours to accommodate the growing student body. I could not name half the people in my class.

Imagine me then, in the early summer of 1997. I was often ridiculed for my choices in clothing (dictated by comfort), when the "cool guys" wore hip-hop jeans with wide enough trouser legs to get the whole waist in.

Upper compulsory school was not nice either. Around me everyone was reinventing themselves, becoming hiphoppers, beauty queens, rockers, jocks.
And I was lonely. The people I knew earlier had gone to other schools. I wasn't able to make any connections to new people during the first two years, and so I sat next to classroom door waiting for the teacher arrive. Sometimes I read novels, sometimes history or geography.
The lack of social contact had left me awkward and shy, and the fear that somebody would stop me in the middle of too long explanation had gotten me to the habit of talking fast.

Because I was not "in" in the popular culture of the time, I hated it. Backstreet Boys, radio hosts, programs in television. Media in general. If somebody asked, I was more than happy to share my feelings. I hated being me; disliked kid who was nervous of doing the wrong things in case it would be noticed and somebody would make jokes, or hit me on the back.

I got friends, and I got to upper secondary school. Most of the more brainless people were filtered to the ranks of the unemployed and the student body of vocational school. Life was better, but I was still very tightly wounded. I had started to define myself by what I was NOT, leaving me a bit hollow. I didn't drink, and I didn't smoke. I didn't go outside on Friday-evenings but stayed home. Perfect wallflower.
I got few friends, the first that I actually retained after I got out of school. Some of them smoked, some of them drunk heavily, one had interesting ideas about relationships.. But most of all they were happy to listen to me even if I didn't make much sense, and introduced me to things that they thought I would enjoy. I got much more relaxed and happy, and started thinking that maybe it wasn't important to be like everyone else or blend to the background. I started imaging what kind of person I would like to be.

Four years later I think I'm nearly there. I have forced myself into situations that I have wanted to do, but earlier felt were too rowdy, unfamiliar or just afraid of. I'm more open about things I like and seldom bother to hide my interest in things that take my fancy, were they cartoon shows for kids, graveyards or human body shapes. And I stopped making excuses to cover myself.

Maybe all this is a small thing for someone else.. maybe to others deciding these things is easy. It wasn't for me. I started thinking how much I had changed, and I wanted to have it on black and white. Words and printed text have more power than thoughts, even if you are only speaking to yourself. That's why diaries are such a powerful tools.

I always thought that when speakers came to the school talking about things being easier when you are older, that they were lying. That the feeling on the background would never change. I am happy to notice I was wrong.