What did I want to be when I grew up?

This is a looking-back post. In a way, it's a decade report about where I was ten years ago and where I am now. I think it's very personal text about, basically, how I became me. You might wonder why I write it here, on a public blog (ha ha) where anybody (hah) might see it instead to the privacy of my own diary journal. I leave you with that question for now, and give answer at the end; after reading these things about me, it might make more sense.

I imagine all of you have seen Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. The film has a part where, with flashbacks, we learn how Jones became archaeologist, how he started to fear snakes, how he got named Indiana and where he got his style.
And you could see all this from following him on one important day of his life. Somehow it was so easy. You are a kid with no plans of future, and then you experience something important and suddenly you know who you want to be in twenty years.
In real life, it all happens gradually and is - at least it was for me - full of pain.

Ten years ago I was doing my last days at lower compulsory school. Back home the summer between lower and upper compulsory school is pretty much the difference between child (12) and a teenager (13).

I was not well liked. My family had moved to the town a year earlier, and I only had two friends in the school; I suspect they might not have liked me very deeply, and only were in my company because you have to have something to do during the breaks. After the summer, I did not see them again.
There were over 38 people in our class; our home class was an old (and small) gymnasium, built in the fifties, which had fallen in disuse after they had built another school building next to ours to accommodate the growing student body. I could not name half the people in my class.

Imagine me then, in the early summer of 1997. I was often ridiculed for my choices in clothing (dictated by comfort), when the "cool guys" wore hip-hop jeans with wide enough trouser legs to get the whole waist in.

Upper compulsory school was not nice either. Around me everyone was reinventing themselves, becoming hiphoppers, beauty queens, rockers, jocks.
And I was lonely. The people I knew earlier had gone to other schools. I wasn't able to make any connections to new people during the first two years, and so I sat next to classroom door waiting for the teacher arrive. Sometimes I read novels, sometimes history or geography.
The lack of social contact had left me awkward and shy, and the fear that somebody would stop me in the middle of too long explanation had gotten me to the habit of talking fast.

Because I was not "in" in the popular culture of the time, I hated it. Backstreet Boys, radio hosts, programs in television. Media in general. If somebody asked, I was more than happy to share my feelings. I hated being me; disliked kid who was nervous of doing the wrong things in case it would be noticed and somebody would make jokes, or hit me on the back.

I got friends, and I got to upper secondary school. Most of the more brainless people were filtered to the ranks of the unemployed and the student body of vocational school. Life was better, but I was still very tightly wounded. I had started to define myself by what I was NOT, leaving me a bit hollow. I didn't drink, and I didn't smoke. I didn't go outside on Friday-evenings but stayed home. Perfect wallflower.
I got few friends, the first that I actually retained after I got out of school. Some of them smoked, some of them drunk heavily, one had interesting ideas about relationships.. But most of all they were happy to listen to me even if I didn't make much sense, and introduced me to things that they thought I would enjoy. I got much more relaxed and happy, and started thinking that maybe it wasn't important to be like everyone else or blend to the background. I started imaging what kind of person I would like to be.

Four years later I think I'm nearly there. I have forced myself into situations that I have wanted to do, but earlier felt were too rowdy, unfamiliar or just afraid of. I'm more open about things I like and seldom bother to hide my interest in things that take my fancy, were they cartoon shows for kids, graveyards or human body shapes. And I stopped making excuses to cover myself.

Maybe all this is a small thing for someone else.. maybe to others deciding these things is easy. It wasn't for me. I started thinking how much I had changed, and I wanted to have it on black and white. Words and printed text have more power than thoughts, even if you are only speaking to yourself. That's why diaries are such a powerful tools.

I always thought that when speakers came to the school talking about things being easier when you are older, that they were lying. That the feeling on the background would never change. I am happy to notice I was wrong.