About Pirates of Old

When we were young, we all dreamed of lives as pirates (well, we lads did, anyway, girls played 'home', I suppose). Some of us (read: me) even had "pirate-kit". It came with eyepatch, hookhand and dagger.

Incidentally, why do pirates have - at least, when thinking stereotypes - hook instead of hand, only one leg and patch over eye? And then kids WANT to be like them. "Yeah, when I grow up, I'm going to have only one eye, hand and leg. And then I'm going to rob people."

Right.

If we think logically, those identitymarks are actually silent witnesses to made mistakes. You see, on ships of old, there were lots of changes to get rid of your appendixes if you weren't careful. You are tying a knot with some rope and then the sails get wind - and there you go, right hand! Was nice knowing you!

And after losing the hand, our examble subject goes with group-pressure and gets himself a hook. There's nothing wrong with hook-hands, per se, but apparently the men of old werent really that big on preparing to bed. So, once sleeping, a bed bug goes and bites the pirate next to eye. While sleeping, the body moves on its own and tries to slap the nasty bug. And there goes the eye... And while absent-mindedly scraching one's body, its easy to make impressive looking scars, that really make women go WILD.

With the eye goes 3D-vision, and the area of sight goes from 180 degrees to 100. Its now really easy to stumble and lose that leg too.

Now we also have to remember, that back then, people thought veggies tasted good, but werent really that important to health. This caused body to lack vitamins and - in the end - teeth to fall off.

And there he is, our pirate. With one eye, leg and hand, with impressive scars and nasty looking beard (no mirrors and its hard to shave with your weaker arm, while the floor goes up and down). And let us not forget the teeth. Or lack, thereof.

And really, thats all worth it, to be pirate and having parrot that can say "CRAACK! OFF THE BLANK! CRAAC!". And of course, robbing people. And looking cool, under that Skull-and-Bones flag. A Kodak moment.

Oh, Pirate I was meant to be...